Advice Column of the Internet

Anonymous asked: Is it abnormal to get the urge to shave one's head? I wanna do it to show that I'm not afraid and I'm not tied down by anyone's standard of 'beauty.' After all, I don't want to be beautiful. Am I weird?

WHOA I didn’t notice this ask!

Anon, since I don’t really subscribe to the idea of “normal” I wouldn’t call anyone weird. Does a lot of society consider that weird (especially if you’re female)? Yup. Are you going to get weird looks? Yup. Do I think that means you shouldn’t do it? Absolutely not. Do whatever you want.

My roommate shaved her head this summer, and while it certainly got her a lot of weird looks, for the most part people just let it pass. It’s your choice, anon.

Anonymous asked: But no one wants to go *that* slow! It would feel ridiculous to slow down, but it's very frightening to feel sped up. *sigh* I'm sorry, I'm just the unsatisfiable anon.

I’m not suggesting you go that slow! Just… I dunno, go to a movie or something. Have a really long conversation about a book. Since I don’t really know you, I can’t say what you do to relax, but the point of it is to just hang out and take all the pressure off. Just enjoy each other’s company, and get used to the new dynamic between the two of you without feeling like you have to do something about it.

Also, if you feel like it’s really moving too fast, physically or emotionally, you should never be afraid to speak up about it! Wanting to take things slow is never ridiculous.

Anonymous asked: I am kind of realizing the problem I've faced in every relationship I've been in. I get super anxious. Like, I'll be so excited that the person I like, likes me back, that I kind of just psych myself out. It's not so much that I convince myself that I'm not good enough, I just convince myself that they're way better. And I can't keep calm when they're around. No matter how slow we go with things, I still find my heart racing uncomfortably. Though, it is worse the faster things go. What do I do?

Hmmm. Well, you said it yourself - the faster things go, the more psyched out you get. It’s probably best to slow down a bit, then.

I mean, that excitement at the beginning of a relationship can be great, and I suggest you’ll enjoy it, because you’ll miss it when it’s gone. But if you’re getting to the point when you just totally panic every time in the room, then you guys probably need to slow down and do something calm? Maybe something you guys already did together before you started dating?

It’s also important to realize that the person isn’t perfect. Coming to that realization - that they’re not perfect, and that you’ll get annoyed with them occasionally, and that that’s okay - is an important part in a relationship maturing and lasting!

But, if your heart is racing uncomfortably in excitement - just try to enjoy it, anon! I know it’s scary, but it’s also one of the most wonderful and exhilarating feelings.

Anonymous asked: Not looking for advice or anything, but I just wanted to say that your URL reminds me of the part in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where they're walking through the plague-infested village shouting "Bring out your dead!" Sorry, but every time I see your URL, it makes me smirk and I thought I'd share.

hehehehe

thank you yes this made me giggle

I’M NOT DEAD YET

I DON’T HAVE PROBLEMS YET
I’M FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW 

Anonymous asked: I have this friend who I insulted greatly. But it wasn't done on purpose. It's just my way of joking around. They took me seriously and I've apologized many times, all very sincerely, but now it seems like my friend doesn't want to be my friend anymore. It sucks because we have a lot of mutual friends and we can't avoid seeing each other. Every time they are on Tumblr or Facebook I feel like crying because I feel so horrible. What do I do?

So many friend ones today =(
guys be nice to your friends don’t get mad at them and value them please okay friends are the best thing in your life

Okay, so we can assume that your friend knows that you’re genuinely sorry about the insult. Has she talked to you about why she hasn’t forgiven you? Although I’ve been on the receiving end of some pretty grievous accidental insults from friends, at some point you become in the wrong for not forgiving them.

Tell them how you feel; ask if you guys can at least be cordial. Try to have at least a few civil conversations with them (and throwing some sincere compliments in there can’t hurt.)

It’s possible that you’re just not going to be able to repair the relationship to where it was before, depending on how sensitive a spot your insult hit. However, you’ve really got to get to the point where you guys can see each other without tons of horrible yucky feelings everywhere, for both of your sakes.

You guys became friends for a reason; the best I can suggest is that you remind them of that reason, make sure you have other friends to support you, and let time try to heal it.

Anonymous asked: I have this person who I was best friends with forever and now she basically refuses to talk to me no matter what form of communication I use, though I haven't tried face to face yet. I think I still want to be friends with her but I don't know what to do about what appears to be a lack of care on her part.

Oh, anon, I’m sorry. Losing a friend sucks. More than sucks. I will argue with anyone that losing a friend is worth than being broken up with.

Of course, I’d try face-to-face,as most reconciliations work better that way, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll get a positive response.

Depending on why they won’t talk to you, you can try writing a letter, or reminding them of some of your good memories together. If nothing else, try to get them to at least explain what’s going on and what they’re feeling, even if it means they get mad at you. If they’ll listen, try to explain how hurt you are and how much you still want to be their friend. And keep trying. Don’t stalk them and don’t force them to be your friend, but I wouldn’t encourage giving up on a best friend.

I’m afraid these things still might not work, and I’m sorry. Sometimes friendships fall apart, or fall out, or just drift apart, and there’s nothing you can do. All you can do is let them know that they’re still important to you and that you want to make it work, and leave the rest up to them.

Anonymous asked: Is it bad that the only reason I'm concerned about continuing to self-harm is because I don't want to scar from it? Otherwise it's become commonplace in my life and I feel like that's really...well not a good thing. I don't really know what to do about it at all.

No, anon, that’s not a good thing =/ I mean, scars aren’t good, but self-harm isn’t a healthy way of dealing with stress, depression, or whatever is causing you to harm, for a variety of reasons. It’s good that you recognize it, though.

Have you talked to someone in your life? Most schools have a counselor who have dealt with people who self-harmed before, and so they understand and won’t judge you. (I mean that. I went to see my school’s counselor, and it was terrifying, but it helps and it lets you know you’re not alone.)

In the moment, there’s a list here and here of immediate things you can do instead of self-harming. If you turn it into less of a habit and find other coping mechanisms, it’ll be much easier to stop entirely.

In the long-term, you have to find healthy ways of dealing with whatever emotions are causing you to self-harm. I write and hang out with friends; another one of my friends knits; another one plays guitar; another one draws. It doesn’t have to be something you’re good at or even something creative, just a healthy way of venting your emotions.

If you want to come off anon and talk privately, I’d be happy to.

Anonymous asked: I want your opinion on something. So there’s a guy in my class that is semi-attractive and he likes some of the same things I do. Have you ever been more attracted to someone once you found out their personality or that they have similar interests? Because that’s how it is. But.. I feel like if I show someone what he looks like he isn’t as attractive and I feel like I’ll be judged for that? I know it sounds really shallow and mean but I can’t help but think I could get someone more attractive. Ok I just sound like a douche now… But I can’t help but feel I’d be embarrassed if my friends didn’t have some sort of agreement that he is cute or whatever. Help I don’t know how to describe this without sounding like a terrible person.

No, it’s okay! Um, I’m almost 100% attracted to personality, but I can try to help.

I think maybe you’re underestimating your friends! If he has a great personality and is compatible with you, then it will show when you talk about him. (And you did call him moderately attractive, which I interpret as pretty much average - and a lot of guys are pretty much average. Dating an average guy with a great personality is so much better than dating a gorgeous guy with a below-average personality.)

But valuing looks and good personal hygiene isn’t evil or anything! A lot of people classify it as “shallow,” but physical attraction is an important part of a lot of relationships, and if that’s an aspect that you want, then nobody has the right to call you a bad person for it.

Plus, who knows - maybe he cleans up well? Maybe this is a little underhanded of me, but if he likes you too, then a couple playful comments about his hair or clothes could bring about some changes for the better. (Oh, man, I feel bad saying that, but sometimes some friendly teasing can make some people realize how they can make changes that will improve their life! I mean it!) In my experience, even conventionally “meh” people are gorgeous when they’re confident and knowledgeable about how to look their best (which is a good trait in both guys and girls.)

Anonymous asked: I've always had trouble talking with people. I'm fine in group settings, but it's just beyond me to randomly start talking with someone out of the blue, or to just call someone and ask if they wanna hang out. Because of this I basically only become close friends with people by accident, or because of other people's efforts. I've decided that it's terrible, and I don't wanna be like that anymore. How do I change this without it being too awkward?

The best way to keep something from being awkward is to never admit that it is awkward.

The other best way is to go in with a plan. Go to some kind of social event, and decide that you’re going to leave with two - or even just one - person’s phone number, and that you’re going to call them the next day and just - ask them to hang out. If you know exactly what you’re going to ask, you won’t be nearly as nervous.
(On the other end, though, try not to memorize it verbatim! If you’re just reciting something, that’s pretty obvious.)

And have confidence! You’re a cool person, and people will want to be friends with you. They’re probably just as nervous to talk to you.

(Oh, another quick tip - make it a social event that you’re interested in. It means you automatically have something in common - and thus a ready-made conversation topic - with everyone there!)

Anonymous asked: how do I start telling the people close to me that I am transgender? I've been harboring these thoughts consistently for well over a year and a half. And I've been suspecting for... well, a really really long time. I know that I have really accepting friends, but I still am afraid that they would reject me. I want someone to understand wholly who I really feel I am, but I'm irrationally afraid to tell people. Any thoughts on building up confidence, I guess, is the heart of my question.

Confidence, unfortunately, is not my strong suit, but lucky for you coming out is.

If you’re really certain of who you are and you know that your friends are going to be accepting, then I’m afraid there’s very little you can do in terms of building up your confidence any more. You’re just going to have to acknowledge it: coming out is going to be fucking terrifying. It’s kind of part of the process.

You’ve got two options, and they depend on the type of person you are.
One is to come out to your closest, most trusted, wonderful friend. They’re going to accept you. It’s still going to be the scariest thing you’ve ever done. I’m sorry. There’s no way around that, but the good news is that that will be ask bad as it gets. That’ll be your confidence. After you do it, you’ll feel invincible. The world will be so much better.
Your other option is to come out to a still trusted, but less valued friend. This is kind of the equivalent of working up to it. It’s still going to be incredibly terrifying, but if you’re really afraid of rejection, it can help to come out to someone that you’re a bit less afraid of rejecting you.

OH, third option, you can come out somewhere on the internet. Seeing all the encouragement there can really help, even if it’s anonymous! There’s so many accepting people out there.

Good luck, anon!